The Problem With Ultimatums in a Relationship (And What To Do Instead)

If you keep up with reality TV or follow celebrity breakups, you’ve likely come across discussions about the serious pitfalls relating to “therapy speak.” This criticism revolves around the misuse or overuse of terms like “gaslighting,” “boundaries,” and “emotional triggers” to manipulate or control someone else’s behavior.

Netflix’s The Ultimatum explores this dynamic in relationships, illustrating the consequences of giving a partner an ultimatum. In season one, the show followed eight couples on the verge of engagement as they faced a decision: commit to marriage or call it quits.

Although such propositions make for intriguing television entertainment, can ultimatums play a constructive role in fostering stable relationships in “real life”? The answer isn’t so straightforward. Boundaries are undoubtedly important in every good relationship, but it’s important to distinguish between them and ultimatums, and to know when and if to use them.

Setting Boundaries: A Clear Communication Tool

Any reasonable person would agree that boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They help communicate your needs, expectations, and limits clearly. By setting boundaries, you demonstrate self-respect and show your partner that their actions have consequences.

For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you could set a boundary by asking for more space or time for yourself. If your partner is constantly borrowing money without paying it back, you could set a boundary by refusing to lend them any more money until they repay their debt.

Although setting boundaries can be challenging, it’s important to be assertive and firm. Avoid apologizing or feeling guilty for protecting your needs. When it comes down to it, healthy relationships can only exist if they are based on mutual respect and understanding.

The Illusion of Control: The Limits of Ultimatums

Ultimatums can create the illusion of control in a relationship, but they often backfire, leading to resentment and conflict. This is especially true when you issue an ultimatum for selfish reasons. Problems are sure to arise if you tell your partner things like, “You must change careers or our relationship is over,” as this places immense pressure on them and disregards their own needs and aspirations. Similarly, issuing an ultimatum like, “We need to get married within a year, or I’m leaving,” can make your partner feel cornered rather than motivated.

Instead of relying on threats, foster open dialogue about your needs and concerns. Work together to find mutually agreeable solutions that respect both partners’ perspectives. Building a relationship based on understanding and compromise is far more effective than attempting to control outcomes through threats or demands.

The Silent Treatment: The Hidden Harm of Inaction

Ultimatums aren’t the only method that cause serious damage in the relationship. The silent treatment is an equally manipulative tactic that can have serious consequences. When one partner refuses to communicate or engage with the other, it can create feelings of isolation, rejection, and confusion. This behavior can lead to distrust, erode intimacy, and escalate conflicts.

For example, a partner might give the silent treatment to their significant other after a disagreement as a way to punish them for their actions. But rather than resolving the issue, it creates even more tension that is eventually going to reach a boiling point.

Cold silence can be harmful and hurtful, as it can leave the other partner feeling confused, isolated, and unloved. It can also create a cycle of negative emotions and make it difficult for the couple to resolve their issues.

Expressing Needs: A Healthy Communication Skill

Expressing needs openly and respectfully is a crucial aspect of healthy communication in a relationship. It entails clearly articulating what you expect from your partner without making demands or assigning blame.

For instance, if you need more quality time together, you might say, “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately and would really appreciate more time with you on weekends.” Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when we don’t have uninterrupted conversations.” 

This approach focuses on expressing your feelings and needs without criticizing your partner. Healthy communication fosters mutual understanding and collaboration, helping both partners address issues constructively and strengthen their emotional connection.

The Last Resort: When Ultimatums May Be Necessary

Ultimatums aren’t always bad, but they should nevertheless be used sparingly and only as a last resort. They can create a sense of pressure and control, potentially damaging the relationship. However, in some situations, an ultimatum may be necessary to address a serious issue or to protect your own well-being.

As a good example, if your partner is engaging in harmful behavior that is negatively affecting your life, an ultimatum might be necessary to communicate the seriousness of the situation and to demand change. However, it’s important to approach this conversation with calm and assertiveness.