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The Problem With Ultimatums in a Relationship (And What To Do Instead)

If you keep up with reality TV or follow celebrity breakups, you’ve likely come across discussions about the serious pitfalls relating to “therapy speak.” This criticism revolves around the misuse or overuse of terms like “gaslighting,” “boundaries,” and “emotional triggers” to manipulate or control someone else’s behavior.

Netflix’s The Ultimatum explores this dynamic in relationships, illustrating the consequences of giving a partner an ultimatum. In season one, the show followed eight couples on the verge of engagement as they faced a decision: commit to marriage or call it quits.

Although such propositions make for intriguing television entertainment, can ultimatums play a constructive role in fostering stable relationships in “real life”? The answer isn’t so straightforward. Boundaries are undoubtedly important in every good relationship, but it’s important to distinguish between them and ultimatums, and to know when and if to use them.

Setting Boundaries: A Clear Communication Tool

Any reasonable person would agree that boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They help communicate your needs, expectations, and limits clearly. By setting boundaries, you demonstrate self-respect and show your partner that their actions have consequences.

For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you could set a boundary by asking for more space or time for yourself. If your partner is constantly borrowing money without paying it back, you could set a boundary by refusing to lend them any more money until they repay their debt.

Although setting boundaries can be challenging, it’s important to be assertive and firm. Avoid apologizing or feeling guilty for protecting your needs. When it comes down to it, healthy relationships can only exist if they are based on mutual respect and understanding.