How to Move On From Someone You Can’t Be With
It’s a common human experience to develop strong feelings for someone who is unattainable. Whether it’s a lost love from the past, an unrequited crush that lingers in your heart, or a relationship that simply didn’t work out despite your efforts, the ache of unfulfilled longing can feel overwhelming. Such feelings tap into our deep need for connection and can leave us questioning what might have been or blaming ourselves for what didn’t happen.
Letting go can be painful, as it often means confronting unresolved emotions, unmet expectations, and the dreams you had attached to that person. However, while it’s natural to feel sadness or disappointment, this experience can also become a powerful opportunity for growth and self-discovery. By understanding and accepting these feelings, you can learn more about yourself, your needs, and what you truly value in relationships. Here are five tips according to several relationship experts and psychologists to help you heal and move on:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step to healing is often the hardest: facing your emotions head-on. Renowned author and researcher Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes the importance of vulnerability, suggesting that allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions is essential for growth. Suppressing pain, sadness, or anger might seem like a way to avoid suffering, but it often leads to emotional bottling, which can resurface in harmful ways later.
Acknowledging your feelings means granting yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship. Journaling can be a powerful tool for this process. By writing down your emotions, you externalize and examine them, which can help you process what you’re experiencing. Similarly, speaking openly with a trusted friend or therapist can provide valuable perspective and emotional relief.
Consider trying mindfulness techniques to sit with your emotions. Acknowledging your feelings isn’t about wallowing in pain but creating a safe space to understand and accept your experiences. This practice allows you to start the journey toward emotional recovery.
2. Practice Self-Care
Taking care of yourself during emotional upheaval isn’t just helpful—it’s essential. Therapist and best-selling author Nedra Glover Tawwab stresses that self-care acts as a foundation for healing, providing the stability you need to manage overwhelming emotions. Prioritize activities that nurture your body, mind, and soul.
Engaging in physical self-care is a good starting point. Ensure you’re eating balanced meals, staying hydrated, and maintaining a consistent sleep schedule. Research clearly shows that a nutrient-rich diet can enhance mood and energy levels, thereby promoting emotional resilience.
Mental and emotional self-care is equally critical. Activities like yoga, meditation, or even deep-breathing exercises can reduce stress and promote relaxation. Environmental psychologist Dr. Rachel Kaplan suggests that spending time in nature improves mental clarity and lowers cortisol levels. Additionally, consider reigniting hobbies that bring you joy, whether it’s painting, reading, or gardening.
3. Limit Contact
One of the most challenging but necessary steps in healing is creating distance from the person you can’t have. Relationship counselor Terri Cole highlights the importance of setting boundaries, explaining that constant exposure to reminders of the relationship can hinder emotional recovery. Limiting contact helps reduce the temptation to dwell on what was, allowing you to focus on what lies ahead.
As a matter of practice, this might mean unfollowing them on social media or muting their updates to avoid triggering memories. It may also involve avoiding places you’re likely to encounter them. While these steps might feel drastic, they’re acts of self-protection, creating the space needed to heal.
In some cases, blocking their number or removing them from your immediate sphere might be necessary. Don’t mistake this for being spiteful; it’s all about protecting your emotional well-being. Dr. Guy Winch, author of How to Fix a Broken Heart, explains that distance allows the brain to recalibrate, reducing the intensity of emotional attachment over time.
4. Consider Therapy
If you’re struggling to cope, seeking help from a therapist can be a transformative step in your healing process. A professional therapist provides a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your emotions and understand the underlying reasons for your attachment. They can help you identify patterns in your thoughts and behaviors that might be holding you back, while equipping you with practical tools and strategies to navigate your feelings effectively.
Therapy is particularly beneficial if you’re experiencing overwhelming sadness, anxiety, or difficulty focusing on other aspects of your life. A trained professional can guide you in reframing your thoughts, managing emotional triggers, and building healthy coping mechanisms. They can also help you gain clarity about your own needs and desires, empowering you to create a more fulfilling and balanced life.
Additionally, therapy isn’t just about addressing the pain of unrequited love; it’s also an opportunity for personal growth. You might discover deeper insights into your relationship patterns or learn how to set healthier boundaries in the future. Ultimately, therapy offers the support you need to move forward with greater self-awareness and emotional resilience.
5. Focus on the Present
Dwelling on the past can keep you trapped in a cycle of longing and regret. Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor emeritus at the University of Massachusetts who spent decades teaching the value of mindfulness, suggests that focusing on the present moment is a powerful antidote to emotional distress. By grounding yourself in the here and now, you can find joy and fulfillment even amidst heartache.
One way to shift your focus is to engage in activities that bring you pleasure or purpose. Whether it’s taking a cooking class, volunteering, or exploring new hobbies, these experiences can provide a sense of accomplishment and distract you from ruminating on the past. Goal-setting is another effective strategy. Identify short-term and long-term objectives that excite you and channel your energy into achieving them.
Connecting with loved ones can also anchor you in the present. Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift and encourage you. According to the late psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, healthy relationships with friends and family can act as a buffer during times of emotional pain, reminding you of the love and connection that still exist in your life.
Finally, practice gratitude to reinforce a positive outlook. Keeping a journal of things you’re thankful for—even small moments—can shift your mindset and help you appreciate the beauty of the present. As Kabat-Zinn often says, “The only moment you ever truly have is this one.” Embracing that truth allows you to let go of the past and move toward a brighter future.
It’s important to recognize that healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. By taking the suggestions of these experts to heart, you will learn to move on and find the happiness you deserve.